1: Dear me, congrats! You were born! Pretty cool stuff. Hope you make some good use of that. Or, you know, you can just chill. The world is your oyster!
2: Dear California, it seems we’re to part early, and I’m to have grown up here while never being able to call myself a true native. Don’t worry. I will always think about you.
3: Dear all world governments and political agents, can someone help me get the fuck out of Hawai’i? I want to go back to California. This is an SOS. I feel like that little blue fuck from Lilo and Stitch. What was his name?
4: Dear authors, damn, how did you make this shit so awesome? I want to do that. What, do I like, just write the words on the page and shit? This rocks.
5: Dear birds, a few months ago I saw a picture of the California snowy plover and was like, that’s the coolest fucking bird ever, how come I don’t have that shit here? And then I was like, how do I know that for sure? And I looked it up, and it turns out, one of the birds I see every fucking day is a different kind of plover. Holy shit? What else is out there? This warrants further investigation. You guys are kind of cool?
6: Dear my hands, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please work again. Please stop hurting. I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m just doing the same things everyone else does. What’s wrong? This won’t be forever, right?
7: Dear all world governments and political agents, again, sorry about the first letter from when I was eight. I was wrong. Hawai’i rocks. For the love of god, GET ME OUT OF FLORIDA RIGHT NOW. SOS!!!!!! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
8: Dear my first love, hope it’s not weird writing a letter to you now. But you were a huge milestone in my life, and although we’ve both moved on, I appreciate the time we had together. I’m not ever showing you this letter, though, that would be fucking creepy.
9: Dear NYU, goddamn, bro, can I get off the waitlist already? Also, can I not get put in Liberal Studies? I would rather die than have that happen to me.
10: Dear future me, I hope you’re doing well, I’m serious. I’m trying to set you up good. Well, I’m fucking around. But I’ll try and lock in for you, buddy. Hope you don’t hate me later on. Good luck out there.